Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
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The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up