Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
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Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.