to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
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Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My blood type is coffee.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.