🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
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date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.