If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
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Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
True?
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Battery falling down a hole
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy