i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
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I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Every. Damn. Time.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*