Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
You Might Also Like
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
reminder
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!