My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
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american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.