Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
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Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
The cashier just checked me out.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.