My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.