The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
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When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Husband of the year 😂
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.