Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
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Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
everyone’s a critic
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf