Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
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“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Practicing safe sax
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence