I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
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*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
#math
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Still cracks me up
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?