When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
79.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Can’t, holding a grudge
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco