I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
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*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.