Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
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I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy