Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
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Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.