I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
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We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I’m awake but I object,
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.