Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
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the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa