You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
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[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.