Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
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If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?