If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
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Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Natural selection at its finest
Bit chilly again tonight.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
gentlemen, hear me out
Cashiers are always checking me out
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Liquor Store Parking
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
How did we not see this back then?
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.