Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
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What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Every time my phone rings
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.