Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
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Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Expect the unexporcupine.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.