trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
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Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
no!! no!!!!!!
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?