*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
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No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
The funk soul brother
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..