Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
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*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
We need to put an American base on the sun
And bowling should be called pinball
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots: