HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
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Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I have no passwords left in me
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
remember
only for emergencies
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.