Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
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I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees