A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
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I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat