Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
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MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
When you kidnap a writer.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.