COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
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Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Oh, I bet you would be
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”