I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
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When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole