“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
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me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
craving $300 all of a sudden
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton