My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
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WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
no refunds
Me sliding into hell like