Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
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*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.