don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
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I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.