You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
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If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
the only organized thing in my life is crime
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell