robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
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My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.