I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
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him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
your honor my client chooses dare
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Matt Goss
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?