Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]