My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
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Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Close call…
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga