I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
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I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Has science gone too far?
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”