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When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that