I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
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When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
the answer was staring at me all along
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving