you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
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REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Teamwork makes the dream work.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?