“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
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Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I have questions??
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Strangers have the best candy.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone