Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
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I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
how to exercise your calf muscles
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.