Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
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When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Ion see the issue
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Name this drama.